I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
