The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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