I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize