Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
