ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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