She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
