well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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