swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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