paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
