moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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