glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
