hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
