after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize