fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
why do cheetos always look like penises
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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