The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
