Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
