Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
