I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
