What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
