i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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