got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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