i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
