Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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