If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
