I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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