Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
