I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
