giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
