I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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