Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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