Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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