i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
