I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
