who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
