My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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