I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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