you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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