Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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