apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
