nut hugger
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
