after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
