I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
