i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
