Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
