Your mouth is God's brothel.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
