I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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