Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize