I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
