I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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