i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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