i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The Olympian is in my bed
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