So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
