She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
