that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
