I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Come see our sink grown plant.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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