Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
