Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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