So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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