One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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