I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
a search helicopter?!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
