somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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