Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
