all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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