I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
