I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
