My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
